What’s So Funny About It, Anyway?
from Wireless Services
(AI) — Amid rising tensions and escalating violence, well, everywhere, the Union of Global Hegemons (UGH) announced today that a deal has been reached in principle to abolish war and deploy the vast resources consumed by it for the purpose of establishing world peace.
“We used to talk about providing ‘guns and butter’ as part of our plan for world domination,” said UGH spokesperson Hugh Mennism, “but now we’ll be melting it all down in short order. So everyone will get a World Peace souvenir commemorative key chain, and a tub of delectable non-GMO popcorn to boot!”
The announcement was met with mixed reaction around the world. The entity formerly known as NATO released a statement calling the peace plan “unproductive and naive,” and warned against the pitfalls of appeasement. “We must continue to fight among ourselves in order to win,” the statement read. “To do otherwise is to capitulate to the forces of compassion that have caused the dangerous predicament in which we find ourselves today.”
Similar views were echoed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff in the U.S. (now to be called the Jolly Chaps of Stuff) and the erstwhile Project for the New American Century who orchestrated the invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan. In a hastily crafted joint statement, the now-discredited organizations said: “This is a dark day for the cause of militarism, and it dishonors the legacy of all those brave soldiers we have sent to war while we’ve safely sat here planning the next ones.”
Despite these incoherent criticisms, celebrations were planned in most cities and towns around the world, from Beijing to Baghdad to Baltimore. “What a glorious day!” said reveler Sunny Gaze on the streets of Barcelona. “Finally, the superpowers have done something, um, super powerful! I always thought we’d see peace in my lifetime but I figured I’d have to be dead for it to really happen,” s/he added.
While most of the established peace-related organizations welcomed the news, a few holdouts (including the Peace Corps and the Red Cross) expressed concern. “This will seriously impact our bottom line and our capacity to tug at heartstrings in the name of fundraising for our bureaucratic infrastructure,” said the latter in a Tweet of uncertain origin. More succinctly, an irate Facebook post from random holdouts associated with the now-defunct ‘Peace Through Superior Firepower’ initiative simply said: “This sucks.”
As news of the impending peace accord was being released, a note was delivered to a major news agency from an organization calling itself Realistically Anonymous Warmongers (RAW), promising repercussions: “If you think war was problematic, just wait until peace rears its ugly head. We’ve carefully conditioned people to believe that only force and violence truly work in the world, and by now it’s basically become true. Peace is impossible because we made it that way; people cannot be trusted to get along and be peaceful…. The last thing we need is a world torn apart by contentment and prosperity. It’s bad for business, and what’s bad for business is bad for everyone. War profiteering is what made this nation great, and we will not accept peace without a fight.”
The commemorative key chains will be made from melted-down armaments, displaying an image of people holding hands around the earth’s circumference. On the back they will read: “Today, 1 April 2013, we have given peace a chance.” Included in the package sent to all 7.14 billion of the earth’s inhabitants will be a voucher for a free gallon-sized tub of organic popcorn with melted butter (vegan substitutes available), while supplies last.
It was unclear at press time how much organic popcorn was currently available in the world. The statement from UGH contained a cryptic footnote simply stating that “peace will not be genetically modified.” The note concluded, however, that “it will be delicious.”
Associated Impress (AI) brings you periodic ‘news’ made up of things floating in the NID and stored in the ‘cloud’ that exists well beyond this world.